Thursday, September 4, 2008


I think he knows. I don't know what and how much but an idea at least. The problem is not that he objects to what i have done or am doing but is that he comes to question, " what are you becoming?" Frankly i myself have no idea what i am. I have become a leech, a dirty promiscuous leech. All I hope for is that he can gain trust in me again. I tell him what the whole world does and how they are. But i never knew he was pointing at me. Now i doubt he will ever believe me again. Logs or no logs for all you know, i fucking hate myself. Its not because of what i do because i resolve conscience issues before i move but I never want him to look down upon me. But do you even realise that I am so hooked on to this highly surveilled virtual world only because in the real world i am surrounded by a deep isolation. I aspire a lot and i take the convenient ways to reach. Even though i know that you can trace every action of mine, i still fall "prey" to that world. Why? Because i am crushed under the burden of being a good girl for you and doing what i always wanted to. The good, healthy and wholesome society that you think "we" belong to, i never did. But its not like i meant to be so. What could a person left alone in the house, not spoken to for hours, explained to do this and not that, expected to perform, do? I have been alone and hence even today i crave for company. If i get easy and cheap company of any sort that i feel like relying upon, i tend to fall. I don't know what you know and i don't care to know what you know. Just forget what you know and maybe we all can make a fresh start.
After a long time of being touted as a victor, example and all that, i am not what you think i am.
All i can say is i am sorry.
Its in spite of me that i do it.
But it won't affect you now.

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