It's a feeling that I verbalized when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in 2019. The feeling that someone is constantly keeping you sitting outside in the living room, or in the waiting room of their mind. And what they think, what they feel is inside their private chamber. I thought if I knocked hard enough and often enough they would finally open up. I saw it as their fear of vulnerability. Only later did I realize they also drew power from holding back, from knowing and being reassured that I would constantly permanently sit in the waiting room outside. I hated that feeling and I am currently struggling to find how I overcame it. How I got over trying to guess and access someone's intentions, moods, feelings. It's exhausting. I've been told to write an email and say whatever I want to. And that dialog may not do good right now. I am vulnerable too you know. I can't emotionally labor for two people. I just hope I am not yet again sitting in the waiting room of someone's head. This time I know to protect myself better. Only time will tell.
