Saturday, July 12, 2008

A whole list of Phew-hah's

There are a few Phew-hah's that hit me just like that. One of them is the disclaimers that my English teachers make. They make learning English so apologetic, broken and incoherent. Half the things they convey or represent, are from books and mostly they do not agree with them. I just feel like throwing them all out of the window. Leave your fears and knots by the door and then come and talk to me! I am sure no one will sue you for them. The other Phew-hah was everything is nothing and nothing is everything. It is so paradoxical and yet all pervading. From Buddhist monks to existentialists, all say it. And yet, I experience it only when I am punished for not greeting a man and am thrown out of home for swearing and scaring. These things heave upon you mind, blow the phew-z and then I panic. For a while I do. Then it all settles. Then I think of a solution and come back to soul searching. I am growing. I can feel it and I don't like the process, it is bitter somewhere, sleepless mostly, poor frequently with guilt trips to the bank. A lot many times I just regret too much freedom of arrangement and resources. It provokes the mind and words like "What did I do?" just come out for the wrong man. Too much of egalitarian illusions make me careless and when class distinctions are gone, I lose things like respect for elders, humility etc (LMAO). A girl should know her limits and responsibilities. And never should she talk like a rag picker on the road... never drink...never fight...rarely pop eyes at old monks... and she should be seen and not heard...and much more