Year Five/28

A lot of inadequacy and year end fatigue being processed here. Some heartbreak too. I was watching a Katrina Kaif interview after the awful movie 'Zero' and when asked, at a high point in her career, what her biggest fear was, she said it was the fear of not being in a relationship...of not having a family and being married and love (before it's too late). She feared it at sixteen and she feared it at thirty and then it happened, she fell out of the relationship that she thought was 'it'. Of course she was referring to the strange celebrity creature that continues to roam untamed, roving past, ensnaring every woman who might seem on top of her game, leaving her with tattoo imprints and feelings of not enough. Of course, I also very personally wove these stories into my own, asking what or who could be enough for (some) men. Their stories and mine seem to indicate this is a futile quest. But as someone prone to approach things analytically, treat it as a problem, even with some degree of detachment, I find myself swinging between efforts to fix men (sometimes women) and then withdrawing. The withdrawal times have gotten longer, the paean to selfhood has gotten stronger. Sometimes I even offer my own karmic justifications for my bad feelings (hearts broken must be accounted for with equal number of heartbreaks, it's only fair). There are also Warsan Shire, Beyonce, Solange, Beth Gibbons - each accompanying a stage of grief, disappointment, realization and then return to the productive contentment of being self-contained and re-centered. It will happen in time but, to go back to the Kaifkaesque (hehe) heteronormative anxiety of 'family before it's too late', I can safely say that 28 and the year 5 of PhD is probably my year of Inversion, the year when queerness has seemed like so much effort and the year when I have resolutely, statistically fallen off statistical heteronormative charts (your friends are getting married, some have babies, where will you work and when does the phd end, who will wait for you, why have you cut your hair). Queerness doesn't just mean not being straight, a queerness of being, a path of life praxis that you are either put on by what you read and who teaches you, or your own realization that you couldn't fall in line (in time), like many others do. The accompanying warning you don't get is that it is incredibly hard to stand still in uncharted territory. You have to build and rebuild, develop tentative rules and rewards for what is going to feel normal within queer.

Unfortunately I don't have much new to offer by way of this post, if you gave me space I'd start writing about love, self, men, women all the time. I am slightly proud that I have had this blog for ten years now. It's okay, the earlier stuff may make me cringe now but that's okay. If someone asked me for my movie of the year, it would be Una Mujer Fantastica. For a brief teeny bit after I cut my hair I felt something like dysphoria - who you love gender wise is closely associated and sounded off of who you think you are gender wise (fluid or binary). This movie rarely ever lapses into self-doubt, takes the performance of gender (whatever it takes to feel a stable gender identity for the moment, to be alive, productive and to survive) so much as a matter of fact, and then it starts showing the world that  a well adjusted transwoman has to navigate despite her own adjustedness, despite having her priorities and tendencies to give love, draw boundaries, right. It's been a year of gender play and a year of being incredibly close to fantastic, inspiring strong people, including these wonderful online groups where hundreds of queers come together to build survival on a daily basis. I couldn't tell you the details even if I wanted to. But as always, I want to celebrate these things, these acts and individuals of endurance in a hope that I can overcome my own feelings of inadequacy. 

Hawai'i - Big Island when vegetarian and no car (1 week itinerary)

I recently went to Hawaii in the first week of January, to the Big Island (Hawai'i) and had a lovely time. I was on a budget and was traveling with my mom. We also did not rent a car and still had a good time. So I figured that a lot of you who might find yourselves broke, ambitious and vegetarian may find this useful!

Firstly, when you see pictures of gorgeous beaches in Hawaii, they are probably from the more popular islands of O'ahu, Maui or Kaua'i, from what I heard those are the touristy islands with beaches, resorts and definitely more hostels. In that sense, the Big Island is more like countryside. It might help to just read up on the Hawaiian Islands before you go, each island has a nickname and legends associated with it :) For instance, what happens on Niʻihau and why can't people go there?

Coming to the Big Island, it's well, the largest island in the United States and has five volcanoes on it and one that's dead in the ocean, of which three are sort of active and two are taller than Mount Everest (from the ocean floor) but you can also drive up to their peaks (so I did drive up to the peak of the tallest mountain in the world that is also a million years old and I didn't need any special gear). But that's not it, if you choose to see the entire island like we did (in a 12 hour circle tour of the island), you will come to appreciate how these volcanic mountains support drastically different climate and vegetation in different parts of the island. We saw sunny beaches, arid lava rock-scapes, turtles on black sand beaches, rain and fog, lush green valleys and horses and coffee plantations all in 12 hours. I highly recommend the Roberts Hawaii tour even if it's super touch-and-go (if you don't have a car but also, if you aren't self-motivated enough to drive around the island to see every bit of it). This isn't a sponsored recommendation.
Stay
So, where should you live on the island? Some might tell you that Hilo (East coast, more residential, greener) can be quieter and not fun. I didn't stay there but it looked really pretty in the daytime. There's also hostels and more affordable Airbnbs on that side. The West coast is Kona-Kailua (both Hilo and Kona have their own airports) and we chose to stay there because I had to go up and down the West coast for my conference (oh yeah I was there for work ha ha).

We stayed at the Kona Beach Hostel on Walua Road which is at a perfect location, a 7 minute walk from the touristy downtown and the main street - Ali'i Drive. Their website says that dorms are 45USD but I think there's a price difference if you call and land up (it's cheaper). It's quiet, clean, has excellent community support and places to eat nearby.

Eat
Food on the island is expensive because I am assuming it comes from outside. So, most of us in the hostel went shopping to the ABC store nearby and got bread, cheese, butter, fruits, yogurt. You can also get burritos, Indian food and Thai food on Ali'i Drive at walking distance from the hostel (remember, mainlander Vegetarian traveling with her mom). I ate fried pork rind by mistake because Hawaiian people are really generous and shit happens but that's a story for another day. Macadamia nuts are delicious. Macadamia Nut pancakes at Huggos were also delicious (to be shared by at least 2 people - huge portions). Kona coffee is delicious, drink it. There's Walmart and KMart, go there and stock up for the week or day.

See/Do/Get Around
I already mentioned the Island Tour. Since we had no car, we were going to rely on Ubering, buses and kind strangers. Ridesharing is still not very popular or reliable so plan in advance. The public buses are called Hele-On buses, they look old but are really cheap (2USD/ride) and take you really far. It takes some effort to find the bus stops and locals will tell you they aren't reliable. It's true but it's not so bad. Trick: Call the Hele-On customer support and they will give you updated information. Once we figured it out, we took the bus twice, all the way from Kona to Waikoloa Resorts in the North (1 hour by bus, 2 hours if you dare take a scooter - don't). Buses also go only once a day on some routes. Taxis are super expensive, obviously. Hitch-hiking is totally an option if you have time.

Snorkeling with Dolphins
First of all, it's really hard to swim with dolphins. They are fast, the sea is dense and it's really a matter of good luck if you find enough dolphins and good weather. We signed up to go with a company called Hang Loose and our experience wasn't that great unfortunately. I've been on snorkeling and dive excursions before and

Volcano Visit

Trolleys

Also, freshwater caves